time to emerge

I just needed a day or so to recover from my Sunday night cinema ‘trauma’ but now I’m ready to report back on my fantastic weekend. As we (‘we’ being Bron, Ian, Steve and myself) piled into the coach on Friday night and headed for the HTB Emerge ‘retreat’ in Chichester, we quickly established ourselves as the loudest people on the bus. Surprise…
Among the numerous girls VS boys activities, Bron and I competed against the smelly boys in Twister (boys won - thanks to Ian’s obvious physical advantage), crazy golf (girls won – 2 hole-in-ones – thank you very much), life-size Jenga (the girls may have caused the 39 level man-size tower to come crashing to the ground…) and scalectrix (I still had a lap to complete by the time everyone else had finished). From fantastic speakers like Pete Greig to the ‘point-and-laugh-at-how-silly-everyone-looks’ 80’s party to 5 of us crammed onto a double bed to watch 'Wild at Heart' and laugh at the exaggerated South African accents, the weekend was a great mix of relaxation, encouragement and good, old-fashioned fun.
The food was a little less than extravagant and I’ve said that I may arrange a stash of my own for when Fox and I return in a few weeks for the Alpha weekend but, other than that, a super weekend all round and just what I needed to throw me back into go-get-‘em mode.

one woman's best friend is another's enemy

My words could never be enough to convey my despair towards humanity tonight. After watching the Oscar nominated Blood Diamond, I am feeling the way I always do after movies which highlight what tragedy ensues in Africa: stirred.
As scenes of lush, green mountains and African sunsets illuminated the screen I felt a tug at my heart that only the red earth of that destitute land can arouse. To Leo DiCaprio's credit, his attempt at a South African accent was admirable but the novelty thereof soon wore off as the film shifted its focus. The film draws attention to the illegal trade of diamonds in Sierra Leone and the civil war that took place as a result. Audiences worldwide will be confronted by the horrors of children being wrenched from their families to be used as soldiers and losing limbs as rebels mince the government’s words and turn them on the innocent. And they will walk out and continue life as they know it.
A particular excerpt of the movie will haunt me until I set aside my Western mindset that Africa is too big to conquer. A man, who has lost everything, including his family, sees hope in a journalist who is writing about the devastating circumstance that these people are facing. He believes that, when the rest of the world hears what is going on, they will come and help.
At that moment I was embarrassed about my life; embarrassed that I am a part of a society that would see a crisis, be fully equipped to help and still choose to keep walking.
No ‘precious’ diamond is worth lost innocence. Everything inside of me wants to plead with the ‘privileged’ world to just do something. Surely, by now, we have enough diamonds in the world to satisfy our fickle aspirations? Tonight I can see no sparkle in any diamond, only senseless bloodshed and there is nothing precious or beautiful about that.

haggis and other things equally as gross

Yesterday was Robbie Burns day. It’s some Scottish heritage day that is celebrated with haggis and poems and other traditions that undoubtedly confirm that Scotland is vastly unique in its culture. Bron, Ian and I all went over to my mom’s flat last night to celebrate and during the course of the evening we were made to tolerate Scottish music, Mom’s Highland Fling/Lord of the Dance rendition, cock-a-leekie soup (complete with prunes!) and the highlight of the evening…a pudgy, black haggis (EEK!). Seeing it bubble away in the pot was enough to make my stomach do flick-flacks that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame but hearing that I had to be the first to taste it made me squeal in disgust. So, as Ian recited some grossly unromantic poem and offered me a mouthful of crumbly sheep’s blood and oatmeal, I took a deep breathe and did what I had to do. In all fairness, it wasn’t half bad but I don’t think it’ll make it onto my list of favourite foods anytime soon. The evening was entertaining to the point of laughter stomach-ache – it often is at Mom’s – and I feel enlightened, somewhat, as to a part of my heritage. Mom absolutely loved it. Now I know why I’m marginally nutty from time-to-time. I am half Scottish after all. And my mother’s daughter.

when the world turns white

I know I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve been a little nose-out-of-joint over our newly stipulated ‘Communications Security Policy’ which detailed all the things which are now prohibited with regards to internet usage during the work day. So, as well as having a bit of a chip on my shoulder I’m also acutely aware that, as much as I may not always enjoy it, I need my job to survive.
Besides that I was overjoyed yesterday as I woke to a message from Jo that said, “It’s snowing!” I threw back my curtains to be greeted by trees and the little road outside my window just covered in fluffy snow. It was so beautiful! I ran to the lounge and lifted the (new) blinds and there too was a picturesque scene of winter as it should be. White, everywhere you looked!
Within minutes Ian was over at my flat driven from his own abode out of distaste for his own flatmates lack of enthusiasm at the sudden change in the weather. We sat drinking tea and admiring the view and then started the work day with the obligatory snow fight. No guesses as to who came out second best (just in case you were still giving me the benefit of the doubt I won’t elaborate).
It’s days like that which make all this miserable cold worth it. “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”

weekend wrap-up

It’s s-s-s-SOoooo cold here this morning. I thought my face would freeze off as I floated to work in my cuter-than-cute, newly purchased, pink and grey Converse but what relief as I sit here, typing this entry, all features in tact.
I’m feeling refreshed (and not just because it’s icy cold) thanks to a great weekend of catch-ups with girlfriends (eeeehh), shopping (ooooh), studying (uugghh) and lots of sleep (aaahhh). I feel so balanced – it’s rather stranger, as if I have become accustomed to permanently feeling disheveled.
Friday, I went over to Bron’s for a scrumptious dinner and a well overdue chat about life and growing up. Saturday saw me waking up at a criminal hour to meet Gaux for breakfast in the city, but the time together was well worth the lie-in deprivation. After which, I battled the crowds on Oxford Street to do a spot of post-payday splurging and for the first time…ever, I think…I left after about an hour and a half with little motivation and very few carry bags. I think all this determination to become money-savvy is actually sinking in and I fear my shopping habits may have been hit the hardest. Sunday I woke early (again!) to attend an early morning church service, simply for the novelty of it. Turns out I got the times completely wrong but, as I slipped into the earlier service, I recognized a couple of faces from PE. They’ve only been in London a week and I just knew that there was no coincidence in my sitting next to them under, somewhat, random circumstances. My afternoon coffee with ‘the ladies’, including one of my devoted blogees, Kirsty, was a great time of catching up on who’s doing what and who’s married now and who has the cutest baby (none of us!). I went home and much to my flatmate, Nicci’s delight, started to bake a carrot cake (too delicious to freeze, Nic, sorry) as she, laboriously, put up the new lounge blinds. At 11pm we sat in the lounge enjoying a pot of tea, munching carrot cake and admiring the newly fitted nosey-neighbour-blockers (what will they do for entertainment now?). A welcome call from Ian, just before midnight, on his return from Barcelona and my weekend was complete; wrapped up, cellotaped and tied up in a bow.

all that's happening

This week has really been happening. Not like, “Yo, yo, my life is so happening, yeah”, but more in terms of occurrences.
Turns out that the visa fee which resulted in a panicky call to the bank, earlier in the week and which landed me deeper in debt than when I first called had already gone through and I actually had way more funds than I first anticipated. I called the bank all for nothing! Is the expression ‘I bet they’re smiling all the way from here to the bank’ still applicable in this case?
On the up side, my finances are now well in order and I received my passport back from the embassy this morning (it only took 2 days!), complete with visa and the right to live in Australia, indefinitely, should I wish to return.
Last night was the first Alpha night of the new term. Fox and I decided to give it another try, together, considering neither of us had great experiences the first time around. Although we ended up in our group in a slightly roundabout way (largely due to us over-spiritualising the whole thing), they are a really great bunch and we spent a large part of the evening having a laugh. I’m really looking forward to the next 10 weeks!
On a very frustrating note, our online email access has been blocked for most of the work day which means that I can’t check hotmail. I’m not sure which other sites have been restricted and as of yet, have been too scared to try blogger.com any other time than at lunch time incase my worst fears are realised and I cannot air my daily views whenever I feel the urge. They can restrict people communicating with me but, rest assured, I will find a way to reach my peeps.
I’m due to go for my lunchtime walk but at the risk of blowing all the way across to Europe I might stay indoors and enjoy my 1 hour of unrestricted internet access.

top fashion trend

I bought a top, just before I went to South Africa, at a store that will remain unmentioned in order to keep my dignity intact (for those of you who may be acquainted with UK High Street stores). It’s really cute – grey with tiny pink poker dots and it’s slightly baggy so that it has to be worn over something. I went in, that day, to buy a simple black singlet to complete an outfit and when I saw the aforementioned top I just couldn’t walk past it. It’s pull was so strong that I almost bought it in two colours but managed to convince myself that one would do.
Today I’m wearing my prized purchase and as I sat down at my desk this morning one of my colleagues laughed as she saw me. She said that she too was going to wear the top today and then decided against it. PHEW! She sits right behind me – THAT would have been embarrassing. She mouthed the unmentionable shop and gave me a wink and said that the reason she went and bought it was that Grazia magazine had feature it as one of the 100 Best Buys for 2006. Ha! Is that major-league Fashion Buyer potential or what? Perhaps the rest of my wardrobe would shout something which is a far cry from Topshop-chic but today I am fashion guru.

not cashing in on this bad day

I arrived late to work today by approximately 5 minutes so decided to be conscientious and make the time up now. Instead, I’m posting an entry to my blog while appearing diligent…just brilliant. So far today I have managed to spend half the day on the phone to my buddy, Chris, at the bank who convinced me that it was a good idea to be indebted to them for an even longer time than was originally decided. Yay! Owe more money to the bank and for a longer period.
Out of the 12 books that I was to have ready for the launch, by the 15th of Jan, not one has arrived. Yay…again! Each supplier has their own set of excuses and I am probably Googling ‘temporary high blood pressure remedies' as you read.
Actually, I’m really quite surprised at how uncharacteristically calm I’m feeling about the day's developments. Rather than get worked up, I am now going to turn off my PC and leave the office, have a coffee with my wonderfully supportive boyfriend and then go to home-group. Yes, that sounds like a good end to this horrible day.

the pursuit of un-happyness

The Pursuit of Happyness. Deceived! That’s what I was. Completely and utterly DECEIVED! I have never felt more UN-happy after watching a movie. And that isn’t even an exaggeration. I literally cried for an hour afterwards. Someone just had to mention one of the scenes and I would feel my lip begin to quiver. All of my strength was not enough to stop the tears from spilling over onto my cheeks. At one point in the movie I turned to Ian and told him, “I don’t want to watch this horrible movie anymore,” and burst into tears accordingly. Anyone, on hearing the title, is inclined to think that it is a relatively upbeat movie; it has ‘funny-man’ Will Smith in it for goodness sake. From the opening scene, complete with an emotional, orchestral intro, I knew it would be a tear-jerker and feared that Bron and I may have erred in our Friday night, group-movie choice. The movie focuses on one man and his journey to success and I just could not understand how so many bad things could happen to one person. I started to think about all those people who are in his position right now and although his story is ultimately a ‘happy’ one, how many people’s stories aren’t? Okay, I have to stop writing this or I’m going to lose it again. If anything, let this be a warning to you. This movie is NOT happy.

beautiful bradford

Thanks to our Young Persons Railcards and an eagerness to escape London at every opportunity, Ian and I took another weekend trip (last weekend was Reading) to visit his brother, sister-in-law and nephew in Wiltshire. Bradford-on-Avon far out-weighed my expectations of a small English town and to just call it ‘historical’ is to do it a gross injustice. Steeped in history dating back to Roman days the town boasts stone, terraced houses, beautiful walks, numerous mansions and a town centre that offers little more than a few eateries and some local stores. From the tiny prison cell on the bridge, where drunks would be kept overnight, to the quaint St Mary’s Tory chapel on the hill that overlooks the town, explorer’s delights can be found at every turn. We enjoyed good home-cooked meals (thanks to chef Zoe) and a couple of picturesque walks, one of which happened to take us to a pub along the river where we stopped for a pint…okay, I had hot chocolate…I needed the warmth! Despite what my mother is convinced is a ‘ganglia’ on the back of my foot (but I’m too young!) and the pain caused thereby, I enjoyed getting out and about and breathing some clean air. Us Londoners really come to appreciate such a rarity. I could see myself sitting in one of the cosy little terraced houses down a petite lane - one of those that enjoy a view of the whole town - at a window desk, writing the day away. *rox snaps out of her daydream rather abruptly* That would probably keep me interested for approximately 1 month at which point I would be tempted to streak through the town centre in order to bring some excitement to the town and thus amusing myself out of ‘small town syndrome’. London will do.

if i could do it myself i would

Oh my goodness, I’m going to lose it any minute. This time of year is particularly stressful at work, as it is, due to ever looming due dates and a new launch which leaves me with a heavy load of responsibility. If everyone just worked with me and communicated properly there would be no problems and everything would be smooth sailing. BUT THEY DON’T!
After a wonderfully relaxed evening with my amazing boyfriend who is the best cure for stress (I could market him and make a fortune but there’s no way – he’s mine), I arrived at work feeling significantly calmer than I did yesterday. All good until the phone starts to ring, emails fill my inbox and people start making unrealistic demands. Where are the days when the customer was king; when a supplier would do all that they could to fulfill your requests even if it meant pitching a tent at work to complete the job?
As I spoke to one of my contacts earlier, I could feel my blood begin boil and a scream rising up inside of me just waiting to explode and spew out nasty obscenities at the person on the other end of the line. It’s bad enough that they don’t get the job done, but then to try and turn the tables and blame me for their incompetence? Unacceptable! And this coming from a company who I chose to support despite their lack of efficiency during the last launch. I’m such a sucker. These days you just can’t get the staff….

disappear

I’m having a particularly crappy day. I will spare you all the trivial detail and put it down to severe stress. I write this as I am stuffing my mouth full of Cadbury Double Decker and trying to lower my stress levels by elevating my sugar count. Don’t shake your heads and tell me it’ll only make me feel worse – I don’t care. I considered calling in sick this morning and telling my boss that the cloud over my head wouldn’t budge and I simply couldn’t come to work soaking wet. However, I figured he wouldn’t buy it and dragged myself out of bed despite my bad mood and scary hair.
Flip, it sucks being a girl sometimes! Up, down, up, down. My mood swings are guaranteed to put the world’s largest roller coasters to shame. This song by Bebo Norman says it all today. I plan to go home and curl under my duvet on the couch, close the curtains…wait…there are no curtains in the lounge…dammit…watch ‘Singing in the Rain’ and pretend that the world doesn’t exist, even if only for a few hours. Maybe it’ll be enough.

tribute to some devoted readers

As promised on my trip to PE, below is a picture of two of my most devoted blogees. For all of those who now feel unappreciated and would also like a feature post, please email and I will gladly give you a some publicity.
Mands and Lauren, thanks for reading my nonsense!

gourmet burger kitchen challenge

We met a couple of good friends of Fox’s last night and went for dinner at GBK, at their request. This place has some of the most amazing burgers you could ever sink your teeth into and my mouth just waters at the very mention of its name. However, a small downfall is that, no matter what burger I order or how hungry I am, I always end up leaving with my stomach experiencing beef ‘overindulgence’ cramps. But it just tastes so good; any logic which would dictate that you stop eating when you reach your limit is completely lost. I was tormented for ordering a standard issue cheese burger but, as boring as it seemed to the amateur, I knew that it would not disappoint. An hour later, having consumed majority of my burger, a token number of chips AND a GBK chocolate milkshake I felt suitably stuffed and walked out trying not to wince noticeably from the pain. “Just act cool. No one will notice that you are in fact a pathetic lightweight.” I’m convinced that those patties expand in your stomach to leave you feeling like you have, in fact, eaten an entire cow. Thank you Starbucks for your peppermint tea which is guaranteed to soothe any discomfort after just a few sips. Nevertheless, once the memory has faded and I am once more confident that I will not be defeated by a chunk of beef in a bun, I will return. Oh yes, I will return.

stopping to read the map

I’ve been sitting here for a significant amount of time trying to think of something to write about but I’m struggling. Today my thoughts are consumed with all things uncreative; life, responsibility, priorities and a number of other adult-like thoughts. I’ve heard many times that I am part of a generation that just doesn’t want to grow up. If this is true, I was born at the wrong time because I feel so grown up. Maybe it’s the monotony of 9-5 or the numerous engagements and weddings taking place around me or more outgoings from my bank account than my incomings can keep up with!
At 18 I had a picture of what my life would become. When I hit 20 and things hadn’t worked out how I had planned, at all, I painted over my original portrait with oils and smiled at the life I had chosen for myself. Now I’m about to turn 24 and I don’t know what happened to that original picture (it must have been lost during one of my relocations) and what I see is so very different to what I had planned.
Let me establish, at this point, that I am happy with where I am at. But I do hope for more. If we stop hoping we might as well give up now.
Usually my writing brings me to some sort of an emotional conclusion but I think I have to leave this one up in the air for today. Perhaps I’m just feeling a little restless. It always passes but I don’t think there is any harm in questioning, from time to time, if you’re heading in the right direction. I think I am.

my place

It’s so good to be back in London. I know I grumble and moan about my busy schedule and how I never seem to get around to doing the simple chores like vacuuming but, the greatest feeling is knowing that you’re a part of something – even if it’s just your own life.
Having never been someone to appreciate the value of routine, I have spent the last year determined to try every possible route to work, I seldom cook the same meal twice in a month and my weeks are usually compiled of a variety of disconnected activities. However, lately I have started to welcome my daily routine - perhaps I will go so far as to say I crave it (gasp!).
To what do I owe this fresh approach to a regimented lifestyle? A cynic may suggest that it is the dawn of a new year and the prospects that discipline may offer. I think it goes deeper than that. Routine offers the comfort of familiarity and I think my recent trip back to my roots reminded me what it feels like to have a true sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter where it is as long as you feel you are an integral part of your environment. One definition of the word belonging is ‘to fit into a group naturally’. That’s exactly it. I don’t have to try - the progression into the life which I now live was completely natural and I have this reassuring sense that this is exactly where I am meant to be. I know I’ve written a lot on this particular topic but I have this overwhelming sense that I have found my place in this man-made monstrosity. I think I needed a look-in from the outside to see what I have. Humbly, now I do.

good song frou and frou

Having watched The Holiday (twice) during my holiday break I caught a snippet of a song which immediately elicited intense feelings of romance inside of me. On the side, the film is sweet and was particularly apt for the holiday season - enjoyably ‘Love Actually-esque’. Anyway, I did my usual post-film, Google based research to track down the aforementioned track and discovered it was not the first time I had heard it or that it had been used on a movie soundtrack. Previously used in Garden State (love that movie – love Zach Braff more), Frou Frou’s ‘Let Go’ is artistically versatile and leaves little doubt as to why it’s a cinematic favourite.
Naturally, I had to hear the rest of her stuff and have spent the last few days enjoying the varied sound of this indie-pop artist. The album is easy listening and I’ll go out on a limb and say that it has a little bit of something for everyone’s taste. The album is pretty old in terms of release date so it’s quite possible that I’ve just been in the dark and she’s actually rather mainstream. But I like to think that I am capable of discovering musical gems, on the odd occasion, so if that is the case at least watch the movie so that I can feel like I’ve enlightened you to some extent.

new year, shmew year

It's 2007 and I'm still feeling disheveled from the aftermath of 2006. Resolutions are, to me, the epitome of all things cliché, on par with big weddings, typical girl behaviour and the notion that all Christian are religious. Instead, I set out things that I wish to achieve, call them ‘goals' and continue to pretend that I am opposed to all this New Year nonsense.
You can all look forward to more regular updates (I was recently reprimanded for going consecutive days with no new entries and leaving dedicated 9-5 readers with little entertainment) and I am gearing up to start dance classes, save more, drink less caffeine and not overload my schedule. My determination to be more focused during the work day has already been turned upside down simply by typing this entry and the number of minutes I have spent on personal calls today alone, so I’ll omit that from the aforementioned list.
I’m not sure what to expect from this year. Having seen the New Year in with a good bunch of friends and London’s impressive fireworks display from Waterloo Bridge I had the sense that it’s going to be a good one. Oh, okay, I’m just going to say it…Happy New Year!

away from home for christmas

As my flight to South Africa descended into Cape Town airport, the pilot wished visitors a pleasant stay and welcomed those returning home. That was me and tears pricked my eyes as I viewed the surrounding mountains and realisation hit that I was back after, what now felt like a very long, 4 years.
My short stay in Cape Town was a blur of activity as Ian shared as much his world with me as he could possibly fit into 3 days. Having met in London, there was a large part of both our lives which, until then, had been a bit of a gap. Meeting his friends and seeing his world was wonderful and only confirmed all the good things I already knew about my amazing boyfriend.
On arrival at PE airport I fought back the tears (again) as I walked into the airport to find the arrivals terminal completely different to the one I had known my whole life. There were now big glass windows between arrivals and baggage claim which meant there was no instant reunion with the family I had not seen or so many years. When we finally spotted each other I stopped fighting it and gave in to the rush of emotion that only a sense of comforting familiarity can bring.
I think I cried at least once a day, everyday, for the 10 days that I was there - it was good crying. I was happy to see my Grandparents, who have always been my stability regardless of what’s going on in my life. Being in a place that I know so well and seeing that, despite expansive development, it is still the PE I always knew, was comforting beyond words. Catching up with old friends (Lauren and Mands, special mention to you, my faithful blog readers!) was great and it never ceases to amaze me how you can so easily just pick up where you left off. I have since delighted in telling everyone back here in London that I ate my Christmas lunch with my feet in the pool. Aah, what bliss a bit of sunshine can provide. When Ian drove down to spend my last 2 days with me I was finished crying from happiness to be there and had begun my mourning at having to leave. Thank goodness he has big shoulders. Naturally, my Grandparents took great delight in having someone to whom they could reveal my nude baby pictures. Those gaps where we knew little about from where we both had come were now very small.
A beautiful trip along the picturesque Garden Route and a night in the Wilderness with Dom and Rory and it was time to return to London. After 2 weeks in a place that was home for 18 years of my life, I could no longer deny that it really isn’t that anymore. It is the place where I grew up and tugs at my heart whenever I return but to call it home would be too close to a lie. As I heaved my luggage onto the tube and pulled my newly purchased Billabong beanie onto my head, I smiled at the feeling that only London can rouse in me. After 2 weeks holiday, I was home.

(Tina Turner eat your heart out!)