what happened to miss independence?

It’s been a crazy week and I’ve enjoyed a combination of moving house, meeting Ian’s family (they’re lovely!), connect group and fitting in a bit of work and study here and there. I feel like I haven’t had time to even stop and think for, what seems like, ages. I realised today that no matter how I’ve felt in the past few weeks, someone has known about it. Some would find this to be a re-assuring thought that they are not alone, but sometimes when I’m sad, I just want to get it out of my system without feeling like I have burdened someone else with my troubles. Yet, I always do. Then, when I’m alone, I wish I had someone there to comfort me. Confused?! Me too.
I think you reach a stage in your life when, all of a sudden, your independence starts to surrender to companionship and you find yourself struggling to cling to what is familiar. I vaguely remember the days when I used to thrive on alone time; watching a good movie and devouring a large bar of chocolate while the world could continue as it wished as long as I didn’t have to partake. Now, however, the thought of such an evening has lost its appeal in the idea that I could be sharing it.
I used to see it as strength of character to be able to spend time alone without craving the company of another. Now I see that true strength is found in the challenge of not resisting change but by embracing natural instinct and accepting that true independence is not always about being alone.

good in the hood

Sorry to keep you, my devoted bloggees (sounds like bogies, maybe I wont call you that again), hanging but this move and everything else that has been going on had me bordering on a nervous breakdown. Virtually recovered, my disposition is now one of sheer relief.
The weekend was spent squashing my belongings into not-quite-big-enough boxes and by Sunday afternoon I still hadn’t found anyone to take over my room. Near to breaking point, I’m sure you can appreciate that my nerves were shot, considering I was vacating on Monday; although, knowing this whole experience was primarily to teach me to trust in God. On Sunday, after church, a girl came to view the room and even with tensions and dirty dishes in the house, she loved it and had signed the lease by Monday afternoon. Despite everything working out, being locked away in my room, surrounded by boxes, left me feeling somewhat lonely and by the end of the weekend I was so ready to get out of there and leave Rodway Rd behind me.
With Nicci’s help on Monday evening (my amazing new flatmate) we managed to move me and all my stuff in half an hour flat. Once we’d drunk our tea and recovered from heaving boxes larger than ourselves, Ian arrived with a bottle of red and we spent the evening munching pizza and enjoying each others company in my new abode. You know that that you have a devoted boyfriend when he is willing to switch the football off from your new wide-screen TV to spend quality time together.
I took yesterday off to organise my life and find my bedroom floor below boxes and bags and this morning breezed to work by foot in 25 minutes. So, it all worked out and I’m rather chuffed with life. My stress induced break-out seems to have waned and I am able to get through the day without resorting to tears, so ‘all’s good in the hood’. Sorry, not the hood at all. I don’t think my new neighbours would appreciate that very much.

emotions in motion

As moving-day looms and I muse over the fact that I haven’t so much as considered how many boxes I will need, I’m rather excited by the opportunity of a massive clean-out that this proposes. I can’t believe the amount of stuff that I have gathered over the last 16 months. My wallet, however, may tell a different story. Having arrived at Heathrow with nothing more than a large suitcase-on-wheels and a backpack, I seem to have doubled my clothing (I have to shove my shoes back and hurriedly slide my wardrobe closed or they all come tumbling out again), acquired a bookshelf, 3 duvets + 5 pillows (and linen), countless books and other debris that now has numbered days.
I’m looking forward to a weekend of solitude whereby I can sift through possessions and reflect over memories from the last year or so; many fond , others that rightfully belong in the bin bag for which they are destined. There is a small, sentimental part of me that will find it hard to finally close the door to the Top Flat next week. There are many defining moments held within those walls and plenty a late night spent conversing on the World’s Most Uncomfortable Couch which is housed in the ‘communal area’ (lounge/kitchen/anything that isn’t a bedroom or bathroom). But the things I would have missed the most, I take with me. And the excitement of a new season, with so much anticipation for things to come, is enough to steer my focus from what is behind - both good and bad.
I may be moving into my ‘dream home’ on Monday. But the real dream is how I feel inside today. Utterly content, truly loved and blessed beyond my imagination.

due credit...as promised

Special mention needs to be made of Ian during this time. I would like to point out that, thanks to his sophisticated forwarding skills and quick skim-reading, he swiftly and caringly forwarded the aforementioned email that kick-started this whole relocation process into motion. Fox, you did good. Sorry she wanted a girl…bygones. You reap the benefits either way. ;-)
Thank you!! x

when god does the flat hunting

I am so stressed out right now. I move into my dream home in a week and I haven’t started packing (don’t even have boxes!) or found someone to take my bedroom yet. There are few things in this world that stress me out more than moving. You’d think after doing it as many times as I have that I’d be a pro, but despite my experience, I’m still a ball of nerves until that last box has been shifted and my bed is made up in my new room. I feel bad for those who may encounter my uneasiness over the next few days as it can easily turn from nerves to wrath at the drop of a hat.
Anyway, all that aside, it is truly a miracle how all of this came to pass. There is a grand apartment complex in Putney that I pass everyday and on a number of occasions I have declared to Ian that I will live there one day. Much to his amusement, he humours me and we contemplate how much I may need to earn in order to afford such a luxury.
Long story made short, Ian received an email from a friend last week saying his girlfriend was looking for a flatmate. He forwarded that email to me. She happened to live in this particular apartment complex. I responded, she turned out to be one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and consequently I am moving into this beautiful flat in less than a week. I’ve watched as the hand of God was in this whole process and how it would NEVER have come to pass had it not been his plan all along and once again I’m left considering how faithful he is to his promises.

h2o dampener

While in Edinburgh, we speculated as to where we would find the most expensive bottle of water during our trip. Prices seemed to escalate as we went between attractions and I think Edinburgh Castle finally took the prize at £2 a bottle.
Alas, I was to be shocked further this weekend while trying to recuperate from a long day in a swanky type bar in South Kensington. As we sat down I, nonchalantly, ordered a water, having that niggling feeling that I’d spent enough money for one day and in fact didn’t actually need to consume anything further, however, feeling too bad to just take up couch space and not order something. Turns out they’re onto suckers like me. I nearly choked on my own spit when Bron pointed out that I had just ordered a £3.50 bottle of water. For my South African readers, that’s R40! It’s ludicrous! How do they justify that? Oh, WAIT! It was from Norway, THAT’S why. Silly, silly me. I’m sure it flows in the picturesque valleys of the Norwegian countryside and some yodeling native fills each bottle by cupping water in their hands. Even more excruciating was that no matter how hard I tried to savour it, that water flowed straight through me in less than 30 minutes.
What made me madder was that a bottle of Coke that arrived in all it’s World Cup collectors edition glory, cost less than something I could have taken from the tap myself – for free!
Blinking London and its pretentious bars. Hear me out. I’m not tight. I just feel to share when an injustice has been done.
Australia lost, so it didn’t take long before the smile was back on my face. Sorry my Aussie mates, but I’m just bitter about Australian sport. You guys win everything, so its just a welcome relief when someone else gets a chance for a change.

just floating

I hate waiting. No matter how hard I try to become patient there always comes a time when I just wish I could hit the fast-forward button. I’m in a season of my life where I feel like I’m waiting around. Don’t get me wrong; I’m incredibly happy and content with my life and the countless blessing that surround me. I think I just need a change of some sort. There seems to be a common aversion to change - people would rather stay in their comfort zone than cause a ripple in their peaceful pond, whereas I find myself constantly wanting to splash about. I sometimes wish I could just be one of those people who finds a routine that works and sticks with it, but the problem is that I get bored so darn easily. With this sort of mentality it is very difficult to focus on mandatory tasks that eventually become mundane and subsequently I’m faced with the fear that I may never be satisfied. There are times when I sit at my desk and consider the option of pulling my hair out one strand at a time to solicit some relief from the sheer boredom that I so often face.
The only thing I never seem to tire of is the people close to me. What would I do if I wasn’t sharing my life with some of the most interesting, loving, brilliant and exciting people? For me, that’s what it’s about and as long as I know I don’t have to do it alone, I think I can make it through the ordinary times until something comes along to stir things up again.

frenzied weekend

It’s Tuesday and I’m still recovering from the weekend’s trip to Edinburgh for one of the largest Christian music events in the UK, Frenzy. Headlining acts included Tim Hughes, Starfield, Tree63, Hillsong United, David Crowder Band and Delirious. Any music-savvy Christian will tell you a line up like that is a rare treat and worth the trip to another country (I say that like we crossed the world but really it’s a mere 1hr flight). The day was so full of great acts that it was almost too much to take in all at once. Actually, the complication of taking it all in was due more to the fact that I am 10 inches shorter than the average and hence spent most of the day straining to see, even part of, the stage. Bearing in mind that I’m a ‘bouncer’, after 10 hrs of extreme temperatures inside the converted aircraft hangar, I was ready to leave with my souvenoir CD, t-shirt and appreciation for exceptional music.
As it was my third visit to Edinburgh (I just love it so much!) I somehow got labeled as tour guide/planner (thank you, Ian, you will receive the bill shortly) and spent most of my time opposing my title while instructing on which bus to catch and the attractions that were worth a visit. After such a jam-packed trip, including a mission from Heathrow thanks to engineering works on the tube lines, I felt an unusual sense of relief to be back in London and the heaviness that usually weighs down as I return to the Capital seemed lighter. A wonderful weekend away, with great people and a reassuring sense that maybe, just maybe, I’m actually accepting that (for now) I’m home.

love to dunk

I’m somewhat partial to dunking things in my tea; mainly biscuits but sometimes other things too. I get this from my dad who used to gross us out completely by dipping his Marmite sandwiches into his coffee. I turn my nose up now, but who knows what the joy of tormenting my kids will bring out in me?
The only trouble with this habit is that my last sip of tea is always laden with soggy crumbs. Love the dunking – not a fan of the crumbs.
This got me to thinking about momentary pleasure and if it is ever worth the end result. I didn’t have to think very long or very hard. A lot of the time – yes! That dunkin’ is so darn good that I’ll just swallow the crumbs and make sure I have a glass of water nearby to wash ‘em down afterwards.
I need to clarify, however, that I am not condoning those things which you know you will regret. Keep it clean.
Life is meant for living and enjoying and experiencing to its fullest. Go on, have a dunk today.

unlucky for me

World Cup fever is everywhere (football, for those of you in the Southern hemisphere who can not sympathise) and rather than oppose it, which was my initial instinct, I decided to respond to the email sent around our office proffering a sweepstakes. Taking into account my attitude of late stinks (to be perfectly honest), especially at work, I reasoned that by partaking in the games I would present myself as sociable and fun rather than giving the impression that I am focused and unapproachable.
That was until I picked Ivory Coast. Lisa, the competition organiser, was steely when I begged to try again.
Me: ‘There’s hardly anyone in yet. Come on, I’ll just put it back and take another. Who’s to know?’
Lisa: ‘No.’
Me: (boohoo)
Goodbye £1 and any hope of victory and treating everyone to a pint with my winnings. Okay, I actually had no intention of doing that.
I felt shamed when a colleague said they didn’t enter because they don’t believe in gambling. I wanted to tell them that I don’t either but then I would appear hypocritical as well. So I just turned away and indignantly hung my head. It was a bad idea from the start considering that I never win on bets (except once when I was playing a slot machine that spun shoes and I was down to my last bet and won all my money back – I love shoes). No more gambling, even if it is a ‘justifiable’ amount of money.
So now I can complain freely about the World Cup as I made a fair attempt at getting into the spirit of things.
Where is the Ivory Coast, anyway (have to brush up on my geography)???

peculiar me

The sun is shining magnificently. I have the evening off to indulge myself in whatever activity I may choose. I am planning to eat Ben and Jerry's. What more could a girl ask? And yet I'm feeling strangely dissatisfied; like there is something amiss in the air and I'm just going to hide in my room to avoid it. Sometimes I think I'm just a bit odd. Anyone else just feel weird sometimes?

sleep deprivation dizzying up this girl

After taking the day off sick on Friday (nasty camping gave me the lurgy!) you’d assume commonsense would have told me to stay in bed and rest for the remainder of the weekend. Alas, it seems that my reasoning chooses not to kick-in at the most inopportune of times and I find myself questioning my actions after it is, simply, too late.
So, congested and chesty, I insisted that Ian and I watch the Da Vinci Code on Friday night. Having both finished the book the evening before, we left feeling somewhat indifferent about a movie that was never going to do the book any justice, considering the book itself was nothing to write home about anyway.
Saturday saw Chelsea and I hitting Oxford Street amongst the rest of the sweating masses who were trying to avoid the summer sun. I purchased the cutest pair of bargain red heels, which I was later to learn were the most sadistic of shoes and would squeeze all feeling out of my big toes. A few of us enjoyed a relaxing picnic in Parsons Green on Saturday evening and then traipsed the south-west, unsuccessfully, in search of a cinema screening the X-Men (I gave in to peer pressure).
Up at the crack of dawn on Sunday (really need to invest in darker curtains) and off to church and then another afternoon picnic in a park nearby. The pinnacle of a social weekend was the much anticipated Goo Goo Dolls concert which was awesome. Pleasing the audience with a balanced mix of old and new songs, ever the crowd-pleasers, the band truly took over the stage. I left feeling sentimental but soon forgot as exhaustion weighed down on my body which felt like it was ready to fail me at any given moment. So another week begins and I’m not sure that the next few weeks will provide much relief from a far too hectic schedule. Deep down I’m sure I love it, but right now my bed is far more attractive. ZZZZzzzzz……